Postpartum Support Plan: What Every New Parent Needs Before Baby Arrives

Postpartum & The Fourth Trimester
Written By Evi Michelle

It’s October 2021. Our son was almost one month old.

I vividly remember my husband and me being shells of ourselves, sleep-deprived and closely resembling the walking dead.

We were only one month into our postpartum journey, and our external appearance reflected just how empty we felt inside.

And I’m pretty sure I was sitting on the couch like this… when my mother found me.

Actual photo of me during my postpartum journey.

I was so depleted mentally, emotionally, and physically.

We naively thought we didn’t need help… There were two of us and one baby. So we didn’t prepare to ask for it, nor were we comfortable asking for help. What would it mean for us if we couldn't handle it on our own?

We also foolishly thought that help would be abundant and that we didn’t have to ask for it. Our support systems knew we just had a baby. Additionally, I couldn’t have predicted the sudden, bizarre shifts in my relationship dynamics with my in-laws. Which further intensified how isolated we both felt, on top of the added emotional stress.

I was breastfeeding, still healing physically from birth, making sense of my own journey of becoming a mother — all while trying to keep my newborn alive.

And a month later, when it was time for me to return to work… I saw my personal experience reflected in my clients.

Postpartum Reality

In my work as a therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health, I consistently saw the same pattern. Parents who clearly needed support but couldn’t identify what that support should look like, couldn’t bring themselves to ask for it, and couldn’t receive it when it arrived. But it is not a personal failing. It is what happens when a society sends people into one of the most significant transitions of their lives without a map, which is why I created one.

The mountain of information throughout pregnancy has a steep drop-off after birth. We prepare for birth, and even then, primarily through a physical lens. We discuss contractions, dilation, pain management, and feeding logistics. We say very little about what happens to a person’s identity when they become a parent.

About the hormonal reality of the weeks that follow. About the relationships that shift, sometimes dramatically, around a new baby. About the emotions that arrive uninvited and without adequate language. This became the through line that connected my lived experience to those I sit with. Our culture has underprepared parents for the postpartum transition.

The research confirms what experience reveals. A 2017 study found that many birthing individuals receive neither the practical nor the emotional support they want and need during the postpartum period. This lack of support directly increases the possibility of perinatal mental health symptoms. This study confirms the experience of so many parents today. We are too exhausted to know what we need and too conditioned to ask.

As the Mental Fog Rolls in

The shift from pregnancy to postpartum is jarring — you’re going from party of 2 to 3, and the ride there is often a multi-day, whole body event. Birthing, and every birth that follows, forever changes us. They often compare birth to a marathon. But imagine actually running a whole marathon, and at the end of the race, they give you a newborn, with no respite to recover. The holistic weight you feel is real, and once the initial rush of the “feel good” chemicals starts to taper off, we crash. We are already starting off the 4th trimester from a space of depletion.

Decision fatigue in the postpartum period can be exhausting. And a well-intended question, such as “how can I help?” can feel like it tips us over the edge. You know you need support, AND there are so many competing needs that it can feel like you’re drowning in options.

Decision fatigue during the postpartum period is the sense of overwhelm that comes from constantly having to make decisions, both big and small, conscious and unconscious. It is the never-ending stream of decisions that may bring on feelings of irritability or mental paralysis, and can make us want to avoid making choices altogether. Not because we don’t care. But because we only have a finite amount of mental and emotional capacity.

The average adult makes about 35,000 daily decisions. A survey found that parents make 1,750 “tough decisions” in their baby’s first year. But wait, there’s more... because a mother’s brain is said to make over 1,000 micro-decisions every day. Parents' experiences of raising a family in modern times are marked by immense cognitive overload, especially for the birthing parents, primary caretakers, and “default” parents — who are oftentimes the same person.  

Understanding this helps the current generation of parents affirm their experiences while also gaining more insight into why their parents may have repeatedly displayed irritability. (Sorry Mom, for forgetting to take the chicken out of the freezer.)

Why We Don’t Ask for Support (Even When We’re Drowning)

Support is not a luxury; it is a necessity. And let’s be honest: parenting today is an overwhelming task list with a lifelong subscription. The society we live in often promotes individualism (do-it-yourself), when what we actually need is to return to healthy interdependence (mutual community). We were never meant to do this alone. And by returning to practices that have been traditionally interwoven into collectivistic cultures. We honor the generations of parenting that have been rooted in communal caregiving.

The myth of self-sufficiency has been given to us as if it were a badge of honor rather than our own undoing. This is especially true for communities of color, as this ideology was born out of their reality. Left to survive systems and narratives that reinforced why they must be self reliant. Safety is needed to preface asking. And it takes an immense level of strength to be vulnerable enough to do just that. Yet for too long, the feeling paralleled the reality that safety meant suffering alone.  

The barrier to even ask for the support you desperately need is rooted in this exact culture. It came up for many other parents, and for me, too. It has stemmed from expectations and fears that started long before entering parenthood and are now barriers to their postpartum journey. Not to mention we underestimate how willing others are to help us. We rationalize why possible support wouldn’t want to help us and out of protection our mind tells us the energy needed to ask is not worth the hassle. And due to the lack of mental space, we agree with it at face value, accepting it as our reality and without energy to fight for a different persepctive.

Look, the areas of your life that shift after expanding your family is innumerable. Our relationships shift, sometimes they grow stronger, or they are strained under the different expectations both parties hold around the transition. And while those shifts bring unforeseen grief, it can also bring on a liberating clarity. We can look at the loss of the in-law relationships we imagined, or we can turn toward the ones that show up. Our true village.

How the Nesting Guide Can Help You

That is exactly why I created this guide, I call Nesting. It is my gift to parents. And my hope that it will be part of every family’s nesting process as they prepare to welcome their baby earthside.

The goal of the guide is to help parents feel ready for the many categories of support and needs that arise during this critical time for their family. Within the guide, you’ll find several categories that offer examples and suggested solutions, along with space for this document to evolve as your needs shift. It moves through several dimensions of support. Emotional, physical, practical, relational, because the 4th trimester asks something of all of them simultaneously, and no single category tells the whole story.

This is meant to be a tool to use before the mental fog sets in, and an invitation to reflect and take stock of who is in your village. I invite you to consider who in your support system has shown you they can meet these different needs. Who has been able to hold space for you? Your partner? A therapist? A family member? Choose a relationship that feels safe and healthy.

What I needed in October 2021 was someone to tell me it was okay to need help. To plan for it. To ask for it. That it takes a village. And that people around me wanted to show up. I just had to let them.

And people want to support you. Let them.

Evi Michelle
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Breaking the Cycle: Honest Reflection on Anger, Awareness, and Becoming.